Monday, June 12, 2006

The Amazing Lace - X-treme lace knitting challenge

Warning: The following post is pure silliness, for the Amazing Lace X-Treme Knitting challenge. There is no new knitting content below, though there are several, uh, "interesting" photos. If you only care about actual knitting content/updates, please check back in a day or two. If you're up for the absurd, please read on!

Okay, okay, okay. I do realize that, according to the wording of the post, this challenge is supposed to be about me knitting my partner in extreme circumstances. But please. We all know from my meet the team post that this isn't a team in the traditional sense. This is a dictatorship. I dictate, and my sock trembles in fear as it dutifully goes through with what I command. I don't put myself at risk while knitting. I don't knit on the toilet. I don't knit while driving. I don't knit while climbing mountains, as I'd rather concentrate on not falling off than on not dropping a stitch. However, I am perfectly fine with putting my knitting through extreme circumstances of its own, and taking photos of the entertaining results. Seeing as how I haven't paid any attention to my lace sock in over a week, only putting the sock, and not myself, in peril is much more true to life.

Below is a photo essay of the trials my sock has been through recently, in order to prove its love for me, and to convince me that it deserves my knitterly attention. It has put itself in "X-treme" situations as a sign of its devotion. Also, because it was a bad, bad sock, and forced me to make an error that resulted in frogging two long gusset rounds. I was in need of appeasement.

To get things started properly, I thought it appropriate to test the mental stamina of the sock. What fun is a challenge without a little psychological torture? First, I present "The Liquifier":

Amazing Lace X-treme challenge - blender
How long will the sock rest in the blender of DOOM before scrambling to safety? It lasted 23 seconds, which was quite disappointing. I was expecting at least half a minute. I'll be easy on the thing, and chalk it up to first-round jitters.


Next came the real psychology horror show. The sock was suspended over a drawer of wool products, and told that the contents were infested with MOTHS. (Yes, we don't use the silly asterisk on this blog. Say it with gusto: MOTHS!)

Amazing Lace X-treme challenge -
Time elapsed before the sock screamed for mercy: 12.3 seconds. Less time than the blender, but as socks are innately more scared of moths than of whirring blades, this is an impressive time. The sock began to earn my respect, and proved itself worthy of moving on to the more physically taxing events.


Since the sock passed the psychological torture portion of the challenge with adequate scores, we moved on to escapes. I "assisted" the sock into precarious situations, and then watched as it escaped. Points were awarded for time and style. As the sock does not yet have a toe, I was lenient about penalizing for lack of a proper toe-point. However, stuck landings were encouraged. First up was the pencil cactus:

Amazing Lace X-treme challenge - climbing
Fairly easy. While it sounds scary, pencil cacti have no sharp spines to snag wooly stitches. The numerous branches made escape easy. Time: 15 seconds, Style points: 7.2 (fell on sock-ass during dismount). Not a terrible showing, but the sock had to do 5 laps for the shameful landing.


Next up in the escape portion of the challenge was the wood stove. Not as high off the ground, but much more perilous due to the wool-singeing heat.

Amazing Lace X-treme challenge - stove
Time: 33 seconds. Style points: 9.1 (double pike off the handle, but huge step on the landing.)


And on to weightlifting:

Amazing Lace X-treme Challenge - weight
As you can see, the sock failed miserably. It couldn't move the weight a fraction of a millimeter. 0 points for time, and -2.7 for style for the unseemly sweating and grunting.


Actors are told to never work with animals or children. The sock is half lucky. I have no children for it to experience, but I do have some animals. No, not cats. How common. First, the donkey:

Amazing Lace X-treme challenge - donkey
How long does it take a sock to remove itself from the ear of a blindfolded donkey? 28 seconds, earning 9.6 style points. A nice high score because it managed to avoid the, uh, donkey gift at the rear of the competition area. Good going! (The donkey lost 8 style points, for the record.)


One can duck. One can be backed into the corner. Today, the sock experienced a first. It was ducked into a corner.

Amazing Lace X-treme challenge - ducks!
How scary is that! It spent several minutes trembling with fear, while the rubber water fowl of doom (and liberty!) stared it down. They may look like they're smiling, but you can see the ferocity in their eyes. The sock wet itself. Then it gathered its composure and climbed up the armrest of the sofa, weeping all the way. Ducks are serious business! Time: 7 minutes, 15 seconds. Pity points: 3.


After the psychological torture, escapes, feats of non-strength, and wild animal encounters, there was just one more test left. The Scissors:

Amazing Lace X-treme Challenge - scissors
Think The Pit and the Pendulum. The scissor blades, at first gaping, ever so slowly close over the terrified sock as it struggles to escape. It made it out in the nick of time, narrowly avoiding a fatal dive off the side of the sofa in the process.


Verdict: The sock passes muster. Perhaps, if Rachel and Theresa are kind enough to pose a challenge that doesn't immediately inspire disturbing sentiments of despotism and depravity in my mind, the sock and I can forget this more disturbing phase of our relationship, and settle back for some good times.

19 Comments:

Blogger Sonya said...

What a hoot! If I were the sock I'd be having nightmares about the statue of liberty duck. Scary! ;o)

6/12/2006 8:18 PM  
Blogger aija said...

Hilarious! I actually gasped at the scissors myself :)

6/12/2006 8:45 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Scissors = not funny! The rest? Hilarious. Sock has proven its worth! :)

6/12/2006 9:37 PM  
Blogger Sheri said...

I am still laughing! Excellent entry - you'd get my vote! Although I have to agree that the shot of the scissors is going to give me nightmares! ;)

6/12/2006 11:07 PM  
Anonymous Stacy said...

That is VERY cute!!!!!!!!!

6/13/2006 1:26 PM  
Blogger Theresa said...

This is a fabulous interpretation - I love it!

We shall see what the next challenges bring, however . . .

6/13/2006 3:45 PM  
Blogger Lorraine The Knitting Hammy said...

You remember Mr. Bill- when Sluggo was torturing him and he'd scream "Oh nooooooooo!".
That's what it reminded me off- you heartless wench!

6/13/2006 4:44 PM  
Blogger kifknits said...

The scissors scared me too. After my poor Flirty ventured too close to the vacuum....no more adventure knitting for Team Kifknits. Great entry.

6/13/2006 5:49 PM  
Blogger AnneB said...

Hysterical. Thanks for the laugh. Loved the scissors.

6/18/2006 11:54 AM  
Blogger tara said...

Hilarious! Very frightening, even for the toughest of lace!

6/18/2006 4:17 PM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

You simulaneously terrify me and crack me up. I'm not supposed to read TAL entries until we do the official review all at once, but I couldn't resist once I started.

Have you ever considered a career as corrupt prison guard?

6/18/2006 6:20 PM  
Blogger Gina said...

Stephen King's Misery came to mind while reading your post.

6/19/2006 9:04 AM  
Anonymous laurel said...

Hilarious! Ducked into a corner, indeed!

6/19/2006 1:46 PM  
Blogger Carrie K said...

OMG, LOL!

You're just lucky your sock ever speaks to you again, after that.

6/20/2006 2:18 PM  
Blogger profbookwurmknits said...

sock therapy may be needed
-frightening scissor scene-
and i think i hear my socks whimpering

6/22/2006 1:04 PM  
Blogger HoJo said...

You can't duck out of this one, you definitely deserve to be a finalist! Good luck.

6/26/2006 11:30 AM  
Blogger Lazuli said...

Oh wow, that's brilliant! I was actually WHIMPERING (no asterisks there!) while reading! The poor traumatized sock!

6/26/2006 12:28 PM  
Blogger RandomRanter said...

Well, I was going to say that was brilliant, but I don't want to copy Lazuli, so I'll settle for inspired. Congrats to you and the sock for surviving!

6/27/2006 5:35 PM  
Blogger pinky said...

Initially I thought your post was hilarious (especially the blindfolded donkey) but the picture of the scissors snuggled up so close to the sock... that gave me heart palpitations! SCARY!

7/02/2006 9:42 PM  

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